Now, the first thing I want to talk about is why I have chosen to be a loner, why I don't go out, and why I choose to keep people at a distance altogether. As some of you may or may not know, yes, I am in college. But, that does NOT mean that I party. That does not mean that I know people. Out of the 10,000+ students that are currently enrolled in CSU, I might know about 10 people. Only ONE of those people I would consider a friend. Why is this? In short, its because I've learned in my 21 years of life that people in general cannot be trusted, and that your so-called 'friends' will shun you the moment they've gotten what they've wanted from you. Now this is why it is so hard for me to trust people nowadays....part of the problem is that I'm just too nice. I like helping people, because I feel that I have been blessed enough to be living the life that I am...going to school, having a job, not having any real big worries, (Besides finding an internship and graduation, but that will come in time) that I feel like if I didn't take the time to help someone with their homework or with something fairly trival that wouldn't take up so much of my time that I would be selfish. (Note: I don't do that type of stuff anymore unless its for a friend of mine) So people start becoming friendly to me, and just when I think that I've made a new friend, they start ignoring me, asking me to do something that raises a red flag saying: "Hey, this person is trying to take advantage of you" or, even worse, make me feel left out (Which I utterly hate) and in the end, I end up feeling rejected. As a result, I only have about 4 friends, 3 of which I've known since middle school (Not including bro and sis). Even one of my CLOSE friends lied to me AND bad-mouthed my best friend, which I really didn't like.
I just don't get it.
First, I was teased because I was smart, then, for a brief moment I was liked, and then basically became invisible to anything and everything that breathed.
Recently, I wondered why...was it because I didn't look like the stereotypical black youth? I confirmed that it wasn't about a year ago...when I changed my look...JUST to see how people would react, and even though I turned some heads, the end result was the same. And for those that don't know, I HATE stereotypes. Now for my personality...I know that I am weirder than most. I know that I am partially a computer geek, and that I like anime and video games, BUT, that shouldn't make a difference...just because I'm not 'black' and speak intelligently and actually have some GOALS in life, no one wants anything to do with me. Even my co-workers think that I am cocky, annoying, and self-centered. Now, before everyone goes and throws a pity party, know that I couldn't care less about any of this really...I've become so used to these facts that I've developed an immunity to the pain, and a "Screw the world" type of mindset, where I only care about myself.
However...
There is a part, a small part of me that just wants to be accepted, that just wants the social life of a typical college student. To party every now and then, to go out and have fun with my peers, hell, maybe even take a girl out every once in a while. Sometimes...these views conflict, and I end up thinking about it and getting confused and depressed, but eventually I always decide to stay in my ways. Part of me wants to change for the better, but I don't know how, and sometimes I fear that I'll always be the loner, that I'll never feel like I belong, and that I'll never be able to drop my defenses and trust anybody.
Now, I'm not in any desperate need of any help or anything like that...it just bugs me sometimes, and I really needed to vent out how I feel. I am a VERY strong person...and these experiences have only pushed me forward, and have even made me lose some of the kindness that I once had. So...after all that, what do you think I should do? Do you think that I've completely lost it? (I won't be offended if you say yes.) Or, do you think that I've just blown this whole thing completely out of proportion? Hmm...I feel like I've left something out, but for now, thats all I can think of...so there.
but congrats on the intern swanti 
london should be nice and you're not far from paris, just a train ride away.
lemme 
ya. on fratpack, the site about kate faber, kobe's accuser, someone emailed me that the site owner has been pretending to be a variety of people, even people who are attacking members, which ironically drives them away. i guess he figures controversy will keep visitors and more visitors mean more sales. 
