Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of 'Lou'. -- more jokes or funnies home
Top Ten Signs Your Case Is Falling Apart:
(Note: Before you contact the show to comment, this isn't from David Letterman's show, I created this. Tamra)
10. Your expert witness is filing his nails and painting his toes during his testimony.
9. Another expert witness answers his cellular call from his bookie during questioning.
8. Your "victim" is in rehab at an undisclosed location.
7. Your assumed credible "victim" is constantly being struck by lightening mysteriously (from lying), with applauses heard from strangers around her.
6. Your star witness is "not available". You will have to make arrangements with "his people" to set up a time to discuss when he "will be available".
5. The judge is constantly asking each of the victim's "credible friends" that witnessed the incident in question, "you're kidding me, right?" or "are you high?" during their testimony.
4. The "victim" has a legal dream team before the trial has even begun.
3. The "victim" has publicly inquired about several flights to overseas destinations shortly before the money was received from the victim's relief fund.
2. Jack Nicholson's court side seats have mysteriously been reassigned to the "victim".
1. Your defendant is Kobe Bryant and the "victim" is known as Katie Fibber. -- more jokes or funnies home
Jose and Carlos
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers . . . . .
They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose, but only collects 2 to 3 dollars each day, maybe 8 on a good day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills , drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, 'I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'
Jose says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'
Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, my wife and 6 kids are hungry.'
Jose says, 'No wonder you don't get much money.'
Carlos says . . . 'So what does your sign say?'
Jose shows Carlos his sign . . . . It reads:
'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico .' -- more jokes or funnies home
Would you get married...again?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND : 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: 'shit.' -- more jokes or funnies home
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director.
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
"Do you want a bed near the window?" -- more jokes or funnies home
Difference Between Liberal & Conservative
You're walking down a deserted street one evening with your wife, small son and teenage daughter. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with
a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife -- and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40 in a shoulder holster. You're an expert shot. You have three seconds to react as he races screaming toward you and your family.
What do you do?
- That's not nearly enough information to answer this question! Why is it that you people always couch things in such simple terms? There is so much more to this. Does he look poor or oppressed?
- Is he after me personally or me as a symbol of the oppressive American society? Have I done something to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away?
- What does my wife think? What about the kids?
- Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand and disarm him?
- What does the law say about this situation?
- Does the Glock have an appropriate safety mechanism built into it?
- Why am I carrying a loaded gun? What sort of message does this send to society and to my children?
- Is it possible this poor creature would be happy with just killing me?
- Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content to just wound me?
- If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
- Should I call 9-1-1?
- Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
- This is all so confusing! I will need to debate this with my colleagues for a few days and perhaps get a consensus.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...
Son: "Nice grouping, Daddy!"
Daughter: "Were those the Winchester SilverTips?"
-- more jokes or funnies home
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip, or vacation?"
She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends call me Bubba!" -- more jokes or funnies home
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage they encounter a problem with their sex life that they had not expected. None of their deaf friends had ever mentioned it and the thought of such a problem had not occurred to them until they encountered it. The problem was this: in bed, with the lights out, they were no longer able to communicate, since they could not read one another's lips nor could they see each other signing.
After several misunderstandings they talk about the problem (in the daylight). "Honey," she says, "why don't we agree on some simple physical signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. "And," he suggests. "if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time. But if you don't want to have sex, pull my penis two hundred and fifty times." -- more jokes or funnies home
Difficult Airline Passenger
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot volunteers to deal with the situation. He goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that, because she only paid for Economy, she will have to return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry." She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The pilot returns to the flight deck and quietly tells the copilot and flight attendant, who have been waiting to hear how it went, that the problem has been
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "Oh, I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal." -- more jokes or funnies home
Sister Mary Katherine
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so. "
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said,
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
"You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest,
"You've done nothing but bitch since you got here." -- more jokes or funnies home
Bubba & His Lawyer
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"
"Yes Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer.
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin ....What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?" -- more jokes or funnies home
Day at the Beach
It's a beautiful day. A man with no arms and no legs, who lives in a nursing home close to the beach, calls his friend (using the speech-activated speakerphone by his bed) and asks his friend to please stop by and take him to the beach for a few hours. His friend is happy to do this, but unfortunately can't stay with him because he has an important meeting. But he says he'll come back for him in three hours.
The friend comes to collect him from the home, drives him to the beach, carries him to a nice spot, spreads out a large beach towel for him, puts him down on the towel, and places a large plastic drink container, full of fruit juice, just next to his head, with a plastic straw sticking out of it so that he can turn his head and take a drink whenever he is thirsty. After making sure he is OK, the friend leaves for his meeting.
This is his first time alone on the beach. The sun is wonderful. The air is wonderful. He is really enjoying his day out.
And it gets better. Only five minutes have gone by when a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has never been kissed, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous woman walks up to him. "You look like you need a hug," she says. He agrees that a hug would be nice. She gives him a long, affectionate hug, then walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face as looks down at him. "Mister", she says, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No", he says with a hopeful grin. "Well, you are now. The tide's coming in." -- more jokes or funnies home
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. Leaving the lights off and using a flashlight, he searched the house for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place it in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice came from the darkness somewhere behind him saying: "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin. He froze, switched off his flashlight, and listened. When he heard nothing more for two minutes, he shook his head muttering something about being overdue for a vacation, turned the flashlight back on, and continued his search.
He selected the stereo as the next item to go in his sack. As he pulled it out to start disconnecting the wires, again he heard the disembodied voice, much closer this time, say "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he spun around with his flashlight on and searched frantically for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a cage containing a large parrot.
"Did you say that?" he said in a quiet voice, feeling somewhat foolish.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, adding "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar burst out laughing and relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Well thanks. What's your name?"
"Moses" replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar said, starting to laugh again. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
"Probably the same kind of people", the bird replied, "that would name a Rotweiller 'Jesus'." -- more jokes or funnies home
Daddy Phones Home
Hi, Honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle TZ."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle TZ."
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then, here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle TZ that Daddy's car just pulled up the driveway."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God! And what about your Uncle TZ?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too 'cause he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water out to clean it. So he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead, too."
There was a long pause on the phone.
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 867-5309?" -- more jokes or funnies home
Blonde Rolls The Dice
Two bored casino dealers are at their craps table, when a very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she strips naked and then rolls the dice while yelling "Mamma needs new clothes".
Then she shouts "I WON, I WON, I WON", and jumps up and down and hugs each of the dealers while she's jumping. Then she picks up her winnings and her clothes and leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumb-founded until one of them asks the other, "What did she roll anyway?". The other answers, "I thought you were watching!"
Moral of the story: they're not all dumb. -- more jokes or funnies home
At Last, A Male Blonde Joke!
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.
So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did....
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did...
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, "Now go to town cowboy"....
So here I am. -- more jokes or funnies home
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you have had a cigarette?"
"Ten years ," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says," Man, oh Man! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you have had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you have played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?!?" -- more jokes or funnies home
A guy walks up to the counter and orders a kielbasa sandwich. The man behind the counters asks, "Are you polish?". The guy ordering goes, "Yes, I am. But I resent that question! If I'd had asked for a salami sandwich would you have asked me if I was italian."
The man behind the counter replied "no".
"If I had asked for a ham sandwich, would you have asked me if I was jewish." The man replied "no" again.
"Then why when I asked for a kielbasa sandwich did you ask me if I was polish?"
The man behind the counter replied, "Because this is a hardware store!" -- more jokes or funnies home
Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow -- but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced, they're STILL brother and sister. -- more jokes or funnies home
Love In The Dark
Every time a husband and wife made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device ... a vibrator...soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:.......... "I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the kids." -- more jokes or funnies home
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys Do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful." "How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." -- more jokes or funnies home
Martha Stewart's Way vs. The Real Woman's Way
Martha Way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Woman's Way #1: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's Way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman's Way #2: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way #3: When a cake mix calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead; there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Woman's Way #3: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way #4: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it is still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
Real Woman's Way #4: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just too damn bad. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: I made it and you will eat it.
Martha's Way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the fridge and it will keep for weeks.
Real Woman's Way #5: Aluminum foil? Aluminum foil is for lining outdoor grill only.
Martha's Way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust just before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Woman's Way #6: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't do it.
Martha's Way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Woman's Way #7: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eyes and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, because you are now BLIND. A much better use for the lime is with tequila. You certainly won't have a headache, until the next day, anyway. If a headache does occur, repeat with the tequila and lime.
Martha's Way #8: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman's Way #8: Leftover wine?????? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! -- more jokes or funnies home
Four men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the man other went to the clubhouse to take care of the bill. While waiting for the fourth man, the three men started bragging about their sons.
The first man told the other two, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man finally joined them at the first tee. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is your son doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well my son is gay and dances in a gay bar."
The others grew silent and looked at one another uncomfortably. The fourth man continued, "Well, I'm not thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio, and a Mercedes." -- more jokes or funnies home
The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement program. Any general who retired would get his full pension, as if he had served up to age 60, plus a special lump sum award. The person who was told to draw up the details of the plan was reluctantly following orders, and decided to put in a ridiculous formula for calculating the lump sum to see how many people spotted it. In the haste to get the program in place, nobody bothered to read the document properly and it was approved as first drafted.
The "joke" rule, now the official rule, was that the lump sum would be calculated as $10,000 for every inch measured between any two points of the body of the early-retiring general, as selected by the general himself. (Part of the "joke" was obviously that this formula would penalize those generals who weren't too bright.)
The first volunteer for the program, an Air Force general, asked to be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He got a check for $720,000.
The second one, an Army general, who had a little more imagination, asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arm to his toes. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
The third general, a grizzled old Marine, asked to be measured from the tip of his penis to the bottom of his testicles.
The medical officer who was conducting the early-retirement interviews suggested, as tactfully as he could, that perhaps the General might like to reconsider. Sir. He hinted at the approximate size of the checks that the previous two volunteers had received. But the Marine insisted. So the medical officer started measuring. He placed one end of the tape on the tip of the general's penis and started rolling it out, heading south. Then, in shock, he stopped and stood up.
"My God, Sir!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
"In Vietnam," the general replied. -- more jokes or funnies home
Wanting to open a bank account, a crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account!"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I don't think I heard you clearly. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit! I said I want to open a damn checking account. Now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but I won't be able to serve you if you speak to me like that. That kind of language is not tolerated in this bank. If you can't adopt a more civil tone, I will have to call my manager."
"Call your damn manager", the old man replies.
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the manager to inform him of the customer's abusive tone and language. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that kind of language and he comes with her to the window to speak to the old man.
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem, you fat pig," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?" -- more jokes or funnies home
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?"
"You get three questions for $50," replies the lawyer.
The man says, "$50? Doesn't that seem steep?"
"I don't think so," replies the lawyer. "Now what's your third question?" -- more jokes or funnies home
One of my all-time favorite jokes
God walks up to St. Peter and says, "Look, we have too many people in heaven. Only let those in who have died of a really horrible death. Ok?" St. Peter agrees.
So the next person walks up to the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "Ok, what's your story, how'd you get here?". The man responded, "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating. So I decided to come home early and see if I would catch her in the act. So I take the elevator to the 25th floor, and entered my apartment. I heard moaning coming from the kitchen. I go into the kitchen and see a guy hanging from the balcony by his hands. So I started stomping on his hands, he falls 25 floors down, but an awning broke his fall and he lived. So then I picked up the refrigerator and tossed it down on him and he died. After all the excitement, I suffered a heart attack. So here I am."
St. Peter said that was horrible and let the man enter. So the next guy walks up and St. Peter asks him what his story was. The man responded, "Well, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building. I was outside on my balcony watering my plants. I slipped on water and fell to the 25th floor, barely holding on by my hands. And just when I think I'm going to be saved, some guy comes up and starts stomping on my hands. I fall 25 floors down, but an awning broke my fall at the 2nd floor, and I lived. Then just when I was feeling relieved, a refrigerator comes falling down on me. And here I am."
St. Peter said that was even more horrible. Then the next guy walks up and St. Peter says, "Your story can't possibly be as horrible as the last two I've heard, but what's your story." The guy responded, "Picture this...I'm naked in a refrigerator.." -- more jokes or funnies home
51 Days, 51 Days, 51 Days
A few blondes walk into a bar cheering loudly, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!!" They order a round of drinks, grab a table and continue cheering loudly. Shortly afterwards, another group of blondes enter the bar cheering, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!!", order a round of drinks and join the other cheering members.
Finally after another group of blondes enters cheering "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!!", the bartender says, "Hey, I have to ask. What's this '51 days' all about?" The leader of the blondes says, "Everyone thinks blondes are so dumb. So we all got together and decided to put a puzzle together. The box said '2-4 years', but we completed the puzzle in 51 days! Yaaaaay! 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!!" -- more jokes or funnies home
Living In Heaven
A lawyer enters the Gates of Heaven. After St. Peter checked him in, the lawyer was shown to his new living quarters. St. Peter directed the lawyer to a beautiful mansion atop a hill, and advised the lawyer that inside the house was everything his heart desired, and if there was anything else he needed, to not hestitate to ask. The lawyer was very pleased, thanked St. Peter and walked happily to his new home.
A southern baptist minister walks up to the Gates of Heaven. After St. Peter checked him in, he was directed to his living quarters, which was a crowded shack filled with other ministers. The minister was very upset and asked St. Peter why a lawyer gets a beautiful mansion atop a hill, while he and other ministers are forced to live in a shack and fend for themselves.
St. Peter responded, "Because he's a lawyer, we've NEVER had one of those in here before." -- more jokes or funnies home
Two Sides Of The Story
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His side of the story:
The Patriots lost. Got laid though. -- more jokes or funnies home
What are the four shortest books in history?
1. Italian War Heroes
2. Jewish Business Ethics
3. Polish Wits and Wisdoms, and
4. Negroes I Have Met While Yachting
-- more jokes or funnies home
Husband Shopping Center
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, for her husband.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor: the door had a sign which read "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor: says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?".
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow, say the women! Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!? And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day." -- more jokes or funnies home
10 Indisputable Racial Truths
- 10 Things Black People Know, But White People Won't Admit
- 10 Things White People Know, But Black People Won't Admit
10 Things Black People Know, But White People Won't Admit:
10 Things White People Know, But Black People Won't Admit:
- Elvis is dead.
- Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
- Jesus was not white.
- Skinny does not equal sexy.
- A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
- N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
- Thomas Jefferson had black children.
- An occasional butt whooping helps a child stay in line.
- Kissing your pet is not cute.
- Rap music is here to stay.
- Tupac is dead.
- Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
- Having a ring on every finger is too much.
- O.J. did it.
- Teeth should not be decorated.
- Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
- Jesse Jackson will never be President.
- RED is not a kool-aid flavor (it's a color).
- Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
- Your pastor doesn't know everything.
A guy goes to see his doctor about a problem that he has. Once in the exam room, the doc asks the guy what is wrong with him. The guy replies "well doc, you see I've got this problem and it's really quite embarrassing..." "Go on," says the doctor. "Well," continues the guy "I've got an orange penis..." "Never!" says the doctor "I'm sorry but I don't believe you."
So the man pulls down his trousers and underpants, 'whips it out' and sure enough there for all to see is a bright orange penis. "Well I never," says the doc. "This is a form of a rash that I have seen in other parts of the body, but never 'there', and it's normally caused by great amounts of stress in a person's life - can you tell me about your work life?"
The guy replies "well, I got sacked two months ago..." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "I really hated my last job - the hours were terrible, the work was boring and my boss was a total prick. Now I've got a new job with better pay, better hours, it's interesting and my boss is cool."
"Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your home life?" To this the guy replies "Well, I'm currently going through a divorce from my wife." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "She was a real bitch, my ex-wife. All she did all day was nag, nag, nag - I'm so glad to be rid of her."
"Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your social life?" To this the guy replies "err... well I don't really have one - most nights I just stay home, watch porn and eat Cheetos..." -- more jokes or funnies home